I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
