I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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