help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
