Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
