careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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