Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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