when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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