I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
