just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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