I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
