im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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