get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
