I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
