I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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