dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
