Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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