2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
