I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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