ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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