I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
