Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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