sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
