My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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