I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
