I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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