true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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