If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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