"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
