So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
