it was like his penis was on wheels.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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