Please, let me fuck your mom
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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