That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
