Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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