My hand turned me down
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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