Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
