i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
