Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
