is your mom at the bar?
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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