sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
