I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
