I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
