I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
