She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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