Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
