xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
