I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
