Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
