i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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