So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
