I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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