i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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