some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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