My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Quick, to the slutcave!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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