Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
