sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
