Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She needs sedatives and a leash
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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