dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
