Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
