Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
