I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
