I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
