Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How external is "for external use only"?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
