and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm both gender and math confused
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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