i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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