I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize