I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
