When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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