My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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