I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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